Your child’s friends use drugs. How do you keep your child safe?
People – especially young people – are highly influenced by their peers. Friends can shape our opinions, attitudes and behavior. If your child is around people who are using drugs, or talking a lot about drugs, they may feel pressure to join in or may feel curious about experimentation. You can help your child think about their decisions about substance use before they are in a high-pressure situation. This module can guide you through this difficult but necessary conversation with your child.
What to do when your child’s friends use drugs
Your daughter’s friends regularly and openly use drugs recreationally. You have notified the friends’ parents of this. You decide to start a conversation with your daughter to keep her safe.
There may be more than one correct answer.
Where do you start this conversation with your child?
A) Alone in the car.
A. [Child says:] Thanks for driving me.”
B. [Correct] The car is a good, neutral place for conversation. Because everyone is facing forward, there’s no added pressure or confrontation from eye contact.
B) At night, after my child has finished their homework.
A. [Child says:] “I’m too tired to talk about this right now.”
B. [Try Again] Your child may be tired or aggravated at the end of the day, and not be as receptive to what you want to say.
C) In the living room.
A. [Child says:] “What’s for dinner?”
B. [Correct] The living room is usually a good, neutral space to engage in conversation. There are few expectations of privacy in the living room.
D) In front of their friends.
A. [Child says:] “You’re not the boss of me!”
B. [Try Again] Starting a sensitive conversation like this in front of their friends may embarrass your child and lead them to act out or rebel to demonstrate strength and individuality.
E) In your child’s room.
A. [Child says:] “None of your business, OK? Just get out of my room.”
B. [Try Again] Going to your child’s room with a sensitive topic could work, but it may cause your child to feel like they’re being invaded or ambushed.
Child says, “Who cares if they do drugs? It doesn’t make them bad people.”
A) “They may not be bad people, but they are bad influences.”
A. [Child says:] “You don’t know anything about them!”
B. [Try Again] Your child is probably going to defend their friends in almost all circumstances. Rather than characterize their friends in general, highlight the specific behaviors that can lead to negative consequences.
B) “I’m not saying that. But using drugs can come with serious health risks.”
A. [Child says:] “Like what?”
B. [Correct] It’s wise not to characterize your child’s friends in general. Instead, highlight specific behaviors and the risks of those behaviors. Teen overdoses have become more common than ever, not because more teens are using drugs, but because the drugs are more potent and sometimes contain other more dangerous substances.
C) “Drug use is reckless and selfish.”
A. [Child says:] “They’re not like that! You don’t get it!”
B. [Try Again] Your child is probably going to defend their friends and their behavior in almost all circumstances. Rather than characterize their friends in general, highlight the specific behaviors that can lead to real negative consequences.
D) “I'm not saying that. But we need boundaries to make sure you can succeed in school.”
A. [Child says:] “I’ve just been… stressed. It’s not their fault.”
B. [Correct] When possible, root your concerns in something provable, like declining grades or extracurricular participation. However, focus on future aspirations, not blame for the current problem. Your child is more likely to accept that a behavior is harmful if they reach that conclusion on their own.
Child says, “Just because they do drugs doesn’t mean I have to. I can think for myself.”
A) “I’m glad to hear that.”
A. [Child says:] “Good.”
B. [Try Again] It’s unlikely that your child’s friends have no impact on their thoughts or attitudes. It’s wise not to challenge your child directly, but you also shouldn’t accept what they say at face value. Keep digging, with curiosity and without judgment.
B) “Do you think your attitude toward drugs has changed because of them?”
A. [Child says:] “Well, yeah… maybe.”
B. [Correct] It’s always smart to dig deeper with genuine curiosity, and without judgment. Our thoughts and opinions usually change before our actions do, so this may be a warning sign if your child views drugs more favorably because of their friends.
C) “What do they tell you about the drugs they use?”
A. [Child says:] “Um… how it makes them feel and stuff.”
B. [Correct] It’s smart to dig deeper with genuine curiosity, and without judgment. A question like this gets your foot in the door without giving your child an excuse to slam the door closed. If you can get your child talking about the conversations they have, the truth should eventually come out.
D) “We could resolve this with a urine sample and drug test.”
A. [Child says:] “I’m a liar, is that it?”
B. [Try Again] Avoid challenging your child directly, especially this early in the conversation. Instead, ask for more information, with curiosity and without judgment. If you know they’re doing drugs, getting them to confess is better than exposing them with a test.
E) “Do they use drugs while you’re with them?”
A. [Child says:] “Um… sometimes.”
B. [Correct] It’s smart to dig deeper with genuine curiosity, and without judgment. A question like this gets your foot in the door without giving your child an excuse to slam the door closed. If your child is witnessing illegal drug use, you might ask your child if they’re comfortable involving another adult in the conversation.
Child says, “My friends and I can do whatever we want. Why do you even care?”
A) “We’re a team. I want to keep you safe.”
A. [Child says:] “I didn’t ask you to.”
B. [Correct] Whenever possible, remind your child (and yourself) that you’re on their side. You both want your child to succeed and thrive, you just have different perspectives on what that looks like and how to make that happen.
B) “When you don’t tell me where you’re going, I feel scared that you may not make it home.”
A. [Child says:] “I… I didn’t know that.”
B. [Correct] “When you/I feel” statements are a powerful formula for explaining how your child’s behavior affects you, without judging or blaming them directly. It can feel vulnerable saying something like this, but the results are often tremendous.
C) “I’m your parent. What I say goes.”
A. [Child says:] “That’s not fair!”
B. [Try Again] It’s tempting to assert your authority as a parent, but it’s unlikely to get you far. If your child doesn’t feel like you listen or care, they’ll probably dismiss everything you say. Whenever possible, remind your child (and yourself) that you’re on their side.
D) “If that’s your attitude, I’ll have to ground you.”
A. [Child says:] “You can’t do that!”
B. [Try Again] Avoid making “final straw” statements like this. Blaming your child’s attitude will probably make them feel even more defensive. If your child is upset, suggest pausing the conversation and resuming later to let emotions settle.
E) “I’m going to take a minute. Let’s talk more about this later.”
A. [Child says:] “…”
B. [Correct] If things get emotional, or you’re not sure what to say next, it’s OK to excuse yourself and take a break. Don’t assign blame for the interruption.
[H3] Child says, “They’re good friends. They’re not holding me back.”
A) “I think you could do a lot better.”
A. [Child says:] “That’s your opinion.”
B. [Try Again] Broadly characterizing their friends is likely to drive your child to defend them no matter what. It’s best to approach your child with specific evidence and examples, rather than throw a conclusion at them that they’re not prepared to accept.
B) “What does it mean to be a good friend?”
A. [Child says:] “Well… like, being supportive, I guess.”
B. [Correct] The people we enjoy being around are not always the people who make us better. Asking your child a question like this may create a cognitive dissonance, in which they realize their friends’ behaviors don’t match their own definition. How your child responds to you doesn’t matter as much as the seed you’ve planted in their mind.
C) “Do your friends support what is important to you?”
A. [Child says:] “I’m not sure. We don’t really talk about that.”
B. [Correct] You can’t force your child to act a certain way, but you can ask if they’re pursuing what is important to them, and if they have the support they need to do so. This may subtly remind them that you are their most steadfast supporter.
D) “I don’t think they really want what’s best for you.”
A. [Child says:] “You don’t know anything about them!”
B. [Try Again] Broadly characterizing their friends is likely to drive your child to defend them no matter what. It’s best to approach your child with specific evidence and examples, rather than throw a conclusion at them that they’re not prepared to accept.
Child says, “I don’t know what you’re worried about. They’re not even doing the dangerous drugs.”
A) “The drug responsible for the most overdoses right now is called fentanyl. It’s often hidden in pills that look like prescription pills.”
A. [Child says:] “Really? That’s crazy!”
B. [Correct] Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are often disguised as prescription pills. Of illegal pills containing fentanyl seized by the Drug Enforcement Administration, 70% of them contained a lethal dose. In 2021, fentanyl was involved in 77% of teen overdose deaths.
B) “That’s good. They should be fine, then.”
A. [Child says:] “See? I told you.”
B. [Try Again] Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are often disguised as prescription pills. Of illegal pills containing fentanyl seized by the Drug Enforcement Administration, 70% of them contained a lethal dose. In 2021, fentanyl was involved in 77% of teen overdose deaths.
C) ““Drugs are not always what people tell you they are. It could be stronger than they say, or it could contain a completely different drug.”
A. [Child says:] “That’s really scary.”
B. [Correct] Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are often disguised as prescription pills. If it didn’t come from a pharmacist, it wasn’t measured properly in a lab, and the drug’s strength could be lethal.
D) “I experimented with drugs when I was young, and I wish I had more information to make different choices..”
A. [Child says:] “Really? I didn’t know that. What happened?”
B. [Correct] If you are comfortable sharing your own experience, it can open conversation and break down barriers. Be warned, however, that your child may ask you for more information than you want to share. Consider your boundaries first.
E) “Do you even know what a “dangerous” drug is?”
A. [Child says:] “I know things you have no idea about!”
B. [Try Again] It’s wise not to challenge your child directly or make them feel stupid. If you do, they’ll probably double down and defend their opinion to save face. Even if they know they’re mistaken, they won’t want to admit it.
Child says, “Am I just supposed to turn my back on my friends?”
A) “They’re not really your friends.”
A. [Child says:] “Yes they are! You don’t get it!”
B. [Try Again] Broadly characterizing their friends is likely to drive your child to defend them no matter what. Instead, consider what your child needs and how you – and others – can provide that support.
B) “You don’t have to. But you can set boundaries, like not being there if they’re using or talking about drugs.”
A. [Child says:] “Yeah, maybe.”
B. [Correct] Most people struggle to set and maintain boundaries. If you help your child verbalize boundaries they agree with, they’re more likely to follow through.
C) “Do you feel like you can be honest with your friends about what you want?”
A. [Child says:] “I don’t know. Not really.”
B. [Correct] Friends don’t just keep us company; they guide us, listen to our problems and support our success. Your child probably knows this instinctively and may just need a gentle reminder to expect a little more from their friends.
D) “Friends come and go. It’s not a big deal.”
A. [Child says:] “How can you say that?”
B. [Try Again] The things happening in a teenager’s world are the most important things they’ve ever experienced. Even though you may know and see more with a perspective that your child lacks, we should still have compassion for their experiences and feelings, which are still real and important to them.
Tip sheet: How to help your child take control of their environment
If your child is spending time with other children who use drugs recreationally, it’s important to have an honest conversation about drug use. Empowering your child to take control of their environment regardless of what their friends are doing can help them stay safe.
Start the conversation in a neutral place, like alone in the car or the living room, where your child will not feel attacked or confronted.
Avoid general characterizations of your child’s friends; rather, highlight specific behaviors you know about and the risks of those behaviors.
Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are often disguised as prescription pills. Of illegal pills containing fentanyl seized by the Drug Enforcement Administration, 70% of them contained a potentially lethal dose. In 2021, fentanyl was involved in 77% of teen overdose deaths.
When possible, root your concerns in something provable, like declining grades or extracurricular participation. Focus on what your child hopes to/could achieve, rather than how they’re falling short.
Ask open-ended questions without accusing your child or jumping to conclusions about their behavior.
Friends are not just people we sit with, they are people who guide and support us. Ask your child if they’re getting the support they need to pursue what is important to them. Whatever the answer, it may nudge your child to consider making a change. Sports and group activities can be great places to find like-minded friends.
“When you/I feel” statements are a powerful formula for explaining to your child how their behavior affects you, without judging or blaming them directly. It can feel vulnerable saying something like this, but the results are often tremendous.
If your child might be a witness to opioid use, encourage them to acquire, carry and learn to administer naloxone. It could save someone's life.
